Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Paradise to the Right, Hell to the Left, and the Angel of Death Behind...

...but school has had me by the short hairs lately. But, right now, I'm up and feeling lousy and thinking. I know, that in and of itself is dangerous.

So here's my train of thought, folks:

Due to my injury, I've been given a bit of a 'reset' by life. No one's hiring, because the job market it glutted with people healthier and more qualified than I am. So I'm back at school, because as Heinlein said, "Doing something constructive right away is better than doing the best thing hours later." I'm still in physio, unfit for hard labour, so this is something constructive.

Honestly, it's like being sixteen again: no ride, no cash (well, not after my laser eye surgery, anyways), and slim prospects for the immediate future.

So I got thinking about starting over again. I mean, once people start on their life paths, that's pretty much it. After ten years in marketing, are you gonna turn around and start over again when you're all comfortable? Nawp. What's gonna happen if you're not doing something you enjoy, at least from time to time? It affects you. You may not see it, but it does. And as I'm sitting there in class, watching a combination video and powerpoint lecture on 'facilitating interaction and the business cycle during an emergency', I realized something: While I may be able to do this, I'm more likely to choke out the mayor and take charge if he starts fucking around during an emergency than sit there and pat his ego till he shuts up.

I got figure out some way to make this education into somewhere where I get to be near the front actually helping people, or so help me God, I'm gonna LOSE it. I didn't pick Emergency Management because I'm pretty, I picked it because I want to help people. It's the same reason I joined the army- because by me acting directly, I could help people directly. I wasn't some sack of hammers sitting 500 miles from where he's needed hasslin' folk over forms, or advising some bigwig doing lines off the ass of his or her intern. Same reason I wanted to be a cop- it's where the metal meets the meat that you can do the most good.

So I was thinking that maybe, if I get better (much better), I could do something again. Part time as an EMS or fireman. Become a reservist MP or medtech (our closest analogue to combat medics- we don't have any, just a TCCC dude who's actually an infantryman, and medtechs), or a police reservist.

Then I remembered that women hate that, especially mine.

She's the daughter of a cop, right? So she watched her mom fret and worry about whether or not her husband would come home at the end of the night, whether or not she'd have to raise her children alone, etc. All reasonable stuff, that I can understand. I mean, it's a shitty deal. So, she jacks me up if I even bring up the concept of, you know, doing something useful in the future. Now, I can understand being upset at a loved one risking their lives recklessly. But, honestly? C'mon, folks. Being a cop or firefighter isn't Russian roulette or sleeping with hookers. It's risky, I won't argue that, but it's a job where the risk comes with a fighting chance. And that's all you can ask for in this life- a fighting chance. You mitigate that risk with your skill, your courage, your abilities. The risk is never gone, just like it's never gone every time you step in a plane or boat or car. But if you're at the wheel, at least you can fight for yourself, ya ken? The woman is protective of me, and I can understand that, but still...she's in for a rough ride if she thinks I'm going to stay away from doing what's right. And she may dump me over it- a lady's already dumped me once for joining the military.

So I'm presented with two roads. On one hand, I can walk the civvie life, be the best civilian sheepdog I can, and hope I don't end up some fat old guy with a chip on his shoulder. Aim for accumulating wealth and skills on the side and living the safe, comfortable life. Or I can try to get back in the field, help with my hands even as a civvie and a sheepdog. If I can't be a reservist, be an auxiliary cop. If I can't do that, volunteer firefighter.

I think that two things can sum up my mindset right now in two sentences:

Firstly, my girlfriend is going to be pissed.

Secondly is a quote from the Unit: Rangers, did you sign up just to get out of the house, or do you want to come help me kick the door down?

I need to start setting objectives for myself. Specific stuff, not just 'get into shape, fatass!' or 'volunteer' or 'write'. That's been my one of my main problems lately- I've been bumming around, putting stuff off. Even when there's assignments due, I'm better off putting a half hour aside for a run and clearing my head than not. A half hour run, once a day. There. It's up here for all the world to see.

And, to end this painfully long post, here's an awesome video with absolutely not relevance what so ever to this post:


1 comment:

  1. Life is about making choices, and many choices limit your choices in the future. You should start committing yourself to a particular path, but be sure to keep some options open in case things don't work out that way.
    You're still quite young, and at this point is more important to avoid bad choices than it is to make good ones.

    Most guys in medtech stuff (civilian or .mil) do a lot of heavy lifting. Your injury make preclude that.

    A friend of mine went to the Naval Academy, and one of the things they drummed into him was "No Decision is A Decision". Not deciding on a path is deciding to let events and others determine what happens in your life. You do need to get a plan in place and start working to it.